Sometimes I wish there were people I felt closer to and more connected with here.

There’s so much shit I need to talk about. Some of it good, but some of it things I’m not happy about. Things I wish I could say I wasn’t happy about, but know that it isn’t my place to and I have to just accept them and move on with my own life.

One of the people who has always been most important to me is leaving. Soon. I’m not happy about this at all. I mean… I’m happy for her. Happy that she’s doing what makes her happy and finding her own way in the world. Happy she has a partner who clearly loves and adores her and wants to take this journey together. I’m not, however, happy for me because I don’t want her to be far away, especially knowing that neither of us are particularly good about the phone and that the likelihood of her coming here to visit me are basically slim to none. Maybe that’s selfish, but what’s so awful about selfishness anyway? It’s not that I blame them. I certainly don’t want to stay in this godforsaken city forever myself. It’s just that I always hoped that maybe we’d part ways around the same time, or that I’d be the one to leave first.  She used to say sometimes how she hated to feel left behind, but right now that’s how I feel. Left behind.

Goodbyes aren’t my thing. I’m not good at them. I don’t really want to have to go through those awkward motions of trying to pretend like I’m happy and ok with this when I’m not, or toss around half-baked visitation plans that probably won’t pan out because not only do I know there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of her coming down here, I don’t really have a whole lot of time or reason to go up there. Maybe it sounds harsh and cynical, but unfortunately I know it’s the reality of things. I guess I’m just trying to accept them as they are. And knowing they’re leaving in a week, I’m torn between feeling like it’s my duty and obligation to go over there at least once and just wanting them so slip away and go, because this is hard for me and because I don’t want to say goodbye.

I guess it’s all yet another sign from the universe that it’s time for me to push ahead and make my dreams happen. I don’t know. Regardless, all I can really say is that this sucks. Pure and simple.