It amazes me sometimes, that back at home I have to fight tooth and nail for just one third of the professional recognition I feel I deserve. To fight, claw, and otherwise push myself nearly to my wits end to be noticed enough to be offered something of high quality (granted, while Philadelphia disappoints all but rarely, NYC and DC have been coming through lately with some high-quality, high-profile gigs) when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I earned my place a long time ago. However, last night, deep in the heart of Europe, I was reminded again of what this all SHOULD feel like, thanks to a truly special crowd that never fails to remind me of why I love what I do, despite frustrations I feel in my home scene.  Dancing, jumping, cheering, screaming, even hoisting themselves up onto the ledge in front of the DJ booth to offer high fives, handshakes, and hugs. For some, it was just a regular night out, a handful had travelled from other parts to see me, and for all of us it was the collective celebration of the marriage of my friends Bernhard and Anna. But whatever the reasons, these wonderful people brought 100% of their energy, and I, in turn, gave them 100% of mine. And then, at the end of the night, something that had never happened to me before… a full round of applause. NOTHING could ever produce a high quite like that and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a bit misty-eyed. That moment reminded me of one very important thing: I’m home.

Vienna gives me what I’ve always wanted: to not feel like some faceless schmoe in a box, doing little more than playing jukebox to an audience that pushes away creativity, but forging a true connection between DJ/performer and audience. To interact, to play off each other, and to matter in a way that DJs often don’t seem to within the dark scene. The old school rave energy without being at a rave. You become a part of them and they become a part of you. Cheesy as that may sound, it’s really beautiful. I guess at the end of the day, my “home crowd” will never be Nocturne. It’ll never be Kulture Shock, or any incarnation of Ulana’s or HorrorFX. It’ll never be whatever the show du jour at Polaris is. It’s at Club Pi, half a world away in Austria. Where the “import” was given an opportunity to shine in a way she never fully had a chance to back in the states, and ultimately accepted as someone who belonged there.

While I think I’ve always known why sometimes being in Philadelphia can honestly feel painful to me, it’s all the more clear now. Because of my time here, I know what it feels like to be appreciated and truly respected. I’m not only treated as part of a team and family, but accepted and welcomed into that team with open arms, both as a professional and as the person I am. My ideas and talents are loved and wanted, but there’s still others that I’m learning so much from, not to mention learning from me in turn. I feel like I belong. I wish I could even begin to put into words what it feels like when I’m told “we really want to keep you”, but it’s nearly overwhelming in the most positive of ways. All I need is my dog over here and there’s not much I’d really want for.

Crazy the way life works out, isn’t it? That a place over 3,000 miles away from my actual home could feel MORE like home than the actual one ever could. I want to be here permanently, or at least indefinitely, and even though some aspects to that are scary, my heart will never truly feel complete until I at least try it.

My passport may say that I’m American, but my heart is unquestionably Viennese.